Monday 10 September 2012

Where lies sleep

I was always a champion sleeper. Put me on a rock-hard camp bed or a hammocky relic in a cheap B&B, and I'd be sparked out in seconds, no matter how inadequate the pillow or musty the blanket. I slept right through the famous Hurricane of 1987, which doubled my amazement on rising to an unrestricted view across a devastated garden which had previously held a dozen leafy trees. I once fell asleep at an REM gig, which may be easier to understand given the soporific qualities of Michael Stipe's whiny voice. I've slept soundly on sea-tossed cross Channel ferries, while all around me heaved into sick bags.

A couple of years ago, though, and completely without my conscious bidding, I became strangely reluctant to tumble so easily into the arms of Morpheus. It started gently enough; I continued to to wake up at 'work time' (6.30 am) over the weekend, when for decades I had given myself permission to snooze through till 9.00 - so I was downstairs with the newspapers, tea, and the early morning weather forecast while Himself, untroubled by my new wakefulness, snored on without me. It was irksome, but caused little enough damage. Sometimes I even used the time constructively.

However with the unstoppable force of an incoming tide, my sleep time has continued to be swept away in waves of sudden unbidden nocturnal alertness. These days it's an automatic 4am reveille every day of the week, month, year, regardless of what time I got to bed the night before, what I ate or drank, and where I happened to lay my head. Not a panicky, frantic, worried jolt into a stream of anxious thought or gripping rumination, just a simple, total, irresistible physical awakening as though the internal alarm has gone off and commanded my body to get on with the day. Very occasionally, if I lie still enough and completely empty my head, I will fall back into a very heavy, dream-laden sleep after about an hour, which ends an hour after that when the alarm goes off and leaves me disorientated and exhausted for the entire day. That's my worst kind of day. The best I get is the kind I'm having now, where I can register the residual ache behind my eyes and vague physical groan of my unrested muscles if I stop and scan myself, and where I'm typing slowly because I'm making lots of mistakes (six in that sentence alone, I've just corrected them. Seven...). My motor skills are constantly affected, and where I've always had a fantastic memory for detail without trying, I'm having to concentrate on concentrating with my patients - though fortunately I haven't made any big mistakes there (yet. The fear persists, and keeps me nervously on my toes.). It may not be a surprise that I haven't felt much like blogging for a while.

I tried various 'natural remedies' - melatonin worked for a while but made me feel miserable, Valerian worked for a while but then needed upping and combining with 5HTP, which also worked for a while but is now failing me too unless I take three of each, which will get me some sleep but leaves me thick-headed all the next day. Over-the-counter antihistamine based meds bought me a few hours, but made my eyes so puffy that the chorus of "ooh you do look tired are you ok" from friends and patients became embarrassing. My GP prescribed me a respite dose of fourteen Zopiclone pills which bought me a fortnight's medicated sleep; great while it lasted but strictly unrepeatable due to the addictive nature of Zopiclone (I personally felt it was the sleep and not the medication I was more addicted to, but hey, she's not giving me any more.). I've changed my pillow, my bedding, I've opened windows and doors, catnapped, resisted catnapping, cut out coffee, cut back carbohydrate, done everything but turn my bed to face east (someone I know swears by it but that's just too far up the Barmy Old New Age Cack road for me.). It seems I am stuck with wakefulness. And I am half mad with lack of sleep.

I continue to get to the gym three or four times a week, even when I feel I could spark out and start snoring on the cross-trainer, in the hope that physical tiredness of the good kind will prompt an eventual  joining-in from the bit of my brain that won't turn off, but so far my 4am automatic call persists, as regular and reliable as the Shipping Forecast. I imagine I'm now part of the Great Insomniac Community, and I must admit to drawing a tiny amount of comfort from knowing I'm not the only one lying there at 4.14...15...16 with stinging eyes and a heavy heart, that there are probably one or two other souls within a hundred yards of me who are doing just the same, separated by walls and united in desperate desire for sleep. It's a club I never expected to be part of, and one I don't seem able to resign from.


18 comments:

  1. In the spirit....I was saving my comment for when I woke up this morning...3:30 today ( I'm on the road) but I was back through the post and when I got to the part about REM I fell asleep. Wish I'd slept through the last itme I saw 'em.

    Ive never been much of a sleeper. At 35 it became impossible for me to get more than five hours a night. I'm up at 4:30-5:00 every morning. I don't fight it. With a four year old in the house, it's about the only time I get to myself these days.

    Every once in a while an overwhelming need to go back to sleep will hit 6:30...those mornings are a drag. Those days are a drag.

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  2. A few thoughts.... If you don't think it's stress-related, it's probably hormonal. And that really sucks. If you think it's stress-related, then the usual meditation, etc recommendations apply, with risk of heading "too far up the Barmy Old New Age Cack road for [you]." (My new favorite phrase as of a moment ago). In either case, some people get a lot of bang for the buck (pound?) out of magnesium supplementation. There is a magnesium-based product over here called Natural Calm, which is meant to be taken right before bed. Otherwise, magnesium supplementation is best done with magnesium citrate or gluconate (and one other that I am blanking on, but *not* mag oxide, which is the most common, but least effective), and two caveats apply: (1) unlike the Natural Calm, take it before 3:00 pm, or else it can have the opposite effect and keep you awake, and (2) go slow with the dosage, or it can have a, er, laxative effect if your body isn't used to it. I started with 400 mg and now take 800 mg per day, both pills in the morning. Tried 1200 and didn't like the effect on my insides. Oh, one other thing.... hitting the gym when you are sleep-deprived is almost always counterproductive. It stresses your body out, causes excess cortisol production, etc. Go easy on that. Good luck. You have my sympathies. Sleep deprivation is awful stuff.

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  3. Thank you both for the empathic nods, and huge thanks to you S for the advice (sorry about the Barmy New Age Cack thing. I can be a bit of a cynic. Too many psychotherapy courses can do that to you.). I'm was quite ignorant about the effects of exercise on the sleep-deprived body; I just thought it would pep me up while I was there, and encourage a nice gentle sleep later. Wrong! Damn.

    I note through my research, carried out some three minutes ago, that Natural Calm is now available in the UK. I've just ordered some and will let you know how it goes. As for the origins of my wakefulness, I don't recall it being stress-related when it started, but it sure as hell is now. Back to yoga for me, perhaps. I am the world's worst meditator. Typical therapist, really.

    Thank you again, it's really kind.

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  4. I used to have terrible trouble dropping off. Not so now, but I did go through a stage of waking at about 4am and not being able to get back into it.

    My cure? Earplugs. I've slept right through ever since. So what if there's a man outside shouting 'fire!'? At least I'd know nothing about it.

    My dreams are legion and really vivid, but it does the trick.

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  5. One other thought... Vitamin D. Do you supplement with it? If not, considering you are in sun-depleted England, you quite likely are deficient in it. That can wreck your sleep too. More here: http://www.bulletproofexec.com/bulletproof-your-sleep-with-vitamin-d/

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  6. I just ate a half a pound of red beans and rice, slab of cornbread. Do not do that after an early morning unless you can get in the fetal position. I'm about to pass out.

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  7. I really sympathise. I love sleep, it's my refuge, my sanctuary, my silence (I too slept through the Hurricane of '87!) I look forward to it every night, but I know my patterns could change at any moment, and if so I'll be referring back here for tips!
    I really wish you luck with finding a solution that works, I can understand how horrible it must be.

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  8. Thanks C (I love sleep too, in fact I love it more with every wakeful night. It's practically become a fetish with me now.).

    And interesting ideas from the lads, thanks again. I hate the feel of earplugs and the way they seem to amplify the sound of your own pulse, so would give them a swerve (and all is quiet since Himself kindly agreed to wear a muzzle at night to stop his snoring.). EF's carbohydrate overdose option sounds terrifying though it made me laugh. But I did get some heavy-duty vitamin D last week, as it happens, as we have had so little sunlight here this year that I was fearful of getting rickets. It may help all round.

    I have great dreams, oddly enough, when I do get to sleep. I seem to remember them very well, probably as not out for long enough to have as many as I'd like. Grr.

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  9. My greatest sympathies to you. I love sleep and am obsessed by it. I live in fear of something like this happening to me. If you're a scientifically minded, someone recommended the book A Very Short Introduction to Sleep to me and I'm in half a mind to get it.

    I hope that some of the solutions above work for you - I'm mentally filing them away just in case...

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  10. Cocktails! Lovely to hear from you as always. I'm getting that book. Thank you!

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  11. This may be a boneheaded/obvious suggestion, but have you considered wearing earphones and listening to something calming (or boring)?

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  12. Actually, after writing that comment I gave in and ordered myself a copy. Most of the Very Short Introductions series are very good. I hope you like it.

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  13. We can compare notes, Cocktails. I do appreciate the suggestion. All are welcome, in fact! Matt, I have actually got a hypnotherapy CD on the way which my plan is to put on my iPod and try at night, so your idea is far from boneheaded. Up till now I've found the World Service at low volume to be quite caling, though it can be odd when you wake up disorientated because someone is talking quietly in your ear about ringworm, or female genital mutilation in sub-Saharan Africa...

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  14. I'm sure I read somewhere that it was normal for those wealthy enough to do it, to go to bed twice in one day in the C18th and C19th century. I occasionally sleep from about 6pm-10pm, (I always feel so tired around 5pm) get up till about 2 or 3am, then go back to bed until about 8am, and I feel so much more refreshed than when I only have one sleep. Bit incompatible with work I suppose.

    I was wondering if, here or by email, you could tell me more about the muzzle that Himself uses? My new amour has numerous attractive qualities, but her snoring is not one of them.

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  15. Whisper it quietly...but it's our *time of life*. I feel I could sleep most of the time, too, and would if I could. Perimenopause isn't the bloke that sang Magic Moments, unfortunately.

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  16. Errr, whole other story there, Clair. If we ever get to have that pint, I'll tell you all about it....

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  17. Ah. Sorry... in that case, keep at the gin, dear x

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  18. Looby, the one that finally worked is called 'Snoreguard' and costs about twenty quid from Boots. Worth every penny. It was quite uncomfortable to wear for the first week or so (he had a few headaches and his jaw felt odd), but after that all was fine, and apart from the heaviest colds or nights of beer, it works a treat and now he hardly makes a peep. Remarkable given the thunderous tumult that I used to contend with every night. It probably stopped me from strangling him...

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