Worst Man

I  was chatting yesterday with a  young chap (21, so literally and not just relatively young.). He's due to be Best Man at a friend's wedding in a couple of weeks, and was appropriately anxious about making his speech. "I went through it last night, though, and I think I've got it just about right," he told me. I asked him if he'd read it aloud to anyone else, or at least recorded himself reading it and then played it back to get the pacing right, and he looked at me like I was mad. "It's got to be a surprise on the day," he said quite patiently, obviously seeing me as a demented elder female who had no concept of the purpose of a Best Man's speech. I suggested that he maybe tried it out on someone who, er, wouldn't actually be at the wedding. He eyed me suspiciously, clearly seeing a germ of a point in my suggestion but not quite trusting that any such a person might exist in real life. "You can run a few lines of it past me if you want," I said. 

After a long suspicious silence, he suddenly launched into his speech like a speedboat engine revving into life. "Ladies an gentlemen a very wise man or was it my Dad once told me that a Best Man's speech should take as long as it takes the groom to make love so I'll be very quick," he gabbled, straight into his own chest. I smiled encouragingly. "Or you could just pause, raise your glass and say "so thank you for being here and I give you the bride and groom". He shook his head. "No. Can't do that. Her Dad's making a speech after me and he wants to do the toast. If I do a pretend toast too it'll confuse everyone, and anyway I've got some other things to say afterwards. That line's just a warm-up."I sensed I was on a loser, so nodded. "Do go on, then."

It would be mean of me to reproduce the whole thing, but his climactic anecdote involved the phrases "it floated","it just wouldn't go down", "it was still there an hour later," and the punchline "in the end we used a coat hanger." I don't know his friend and I don't know the bride-to-be, but I imagine like most people they'll have an array of aunties, uncles, little nieces and grandparents who will all be sitting happily on the top table in a couple of weeks, waiting for that nice young fellow who's Best Man to begin his speech. 

I suppose at least it won't be as bad as the wedding a friend went to about ten years ago, when the Best Man rose to his feet, chinked his champagne flute with his knife, and when he had the attention of the assembled guests said "Phil and Gemma, it's your big day today, and I'd like to begin by saying that you're a pair of smug tossers and I've hated you both for years. Cheers," before walking out. It won't be that bad, not quite.